The Truth about Rape

I personally know many women who have been raped; few reported the rapes.  If there were a How to Survive Rape book or a Rape Victim Survival Kit, understanding rape would be part of it. Here I would like to present truths about rape and some real life “case stories” of people I know, including myself and close family members.  To protect privacy, fictitious first names have been used, no locations are mentioned.

What is rape?  According to the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary of Law, rape is “unlawful sexual activity and unusual sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception.”

The truth about rape is...you cannot stereotype a rapist image.

Many rapists are good-looking, clean-cut, polite and friendly men.  There are no physical telltale signs.  Just like with child molesters, a rapist may be cheerful, friendly, and helpful. Picture Ted Bundy in your mind—he looked “safe”.  Here are a couple of examples from the news.

In 1988-1989, an “I-5 Killer” in California was a man who stopped to help female motorists stranded on the roadside.  He’d offer them a lift to get assistance.  One woman had her mother with her. Her mother not only was a witness to the strategy but also wrote down the driver and pickup descriptions and the vehicle license number.  Her daughter accepted the ride because she was a nursing mom and was in a hurry to get home to feed her baby. Unfortunately her daughter was raped and murdered, but that information noted by the victim’s mother helped catch the perpetrator. 

There was another the serial killer who approached women at parking lots, and asked for help.  As soon as he could get close enough, they became his victim.  I remember reading about how one woman was left for dead but miraculously didn’t die, and that’s how they found out his appearance and his methods.  She had been in a college parking lot with a friend, when the handsome, clean-cut, nice young man tapped on her window to ask for help or directions, then stuck a knife to her throat and demanded she open the door.  (Why didn’t she roll up the window on his arm and honk the horn?  Fear and surprise, or mechanical windows perhaps.)  So they were taken out into the woods, raped and stabbed.  Her friend died.

The truth about rape is...it is not always violent.

When a person is asleep or drugged, no force is necessary, thus consent cannot by given.

SLEEP (1988)

My friend took her stunningly attractive 14-year-old daughter, Debbie, to the doctor because she had the flu and wasn’t getting better.  The doctor examined her and ran tests which revealed that it wasn’t the flu, it was morning sickness; Debbie was pregnant.  She swore it was impossible because she’d never been with a boy.  They lived in the country and the mother didn’t work, Debbie didn’t date yet or have male friends, even though she had four brothers, and she hadn’t even kissed a boy yet, so how could she be pregnant?  The doctor made a “Virgin Mary” wisecrack.  Debbie and her mother were very close and Debbie had always been honest.  At home her father and brothers were told the news.  The two older brothers told them that when the oldest brother’s best friend had spent the night a few weeks earlier, he’d kept sneaking into Debbie’s room in the middle of the night.  The brothers had separately caught him three times and once he was actually pulling out her tampon while she slept.  They deduced that one time he had succeeded, that they must have failed to protect their sister, but they hadn’t told in order to protect the friend.  (The older brothers had issues regarding right and wrong.)  There were many lessons learned, but the girl was still pregnant.  Pro-Lifers, they decided to raise the baby, rather than put it up for adoption.  Her mother thanked me for believing them.  (I too am a heavy/sound sleeper.)  The ridicule of persons they knew openly scoffing at the truth and declaring that Debbie was lying about it because nobody could possibly sleep through that, and teens at school and church calling her a slut was difficult to bear.  One day she told me they had just sold their house and were moving to another county because of it.  The last time I saw them, the baby was about three years old.

As far as I know this was only reported to medical personnel.

The truth about rape is...it is humiliating and demeaning.

This is a natural reaction, but it also is a problem because then victims tend to conceal what happened. In order to catch and prosecute the criminal, medical examination for confirmation and to collect traces of the rapist for DNA, via hair, semen, skin, or bite marks, is urgently needed as soon as possible.  Some women feel so violated and dirty, that they immediately shower, destroying evidence that could have been used.  That is exactly the way the rapist likes it; it is part of his power.

SLEEP (1991)

Recently divorced, having been married 20 years, Diana (Di) was moving into a home she was buying with her 19-year-old-daughter Mary as a roommate.  Mary got a call from Phil, a man she’d dated once, before moving out-of-state the year before.  He had told her that he had a BS degree and that he never used drugs and was the one who did all the work at his apartment, not his freeloading brother.  Phil's brother had said he did all the work and that Phil was the freeholder, was into drugs, and had not attended college.  Judging by the cars they drove, Mary believed Phil.  Phil said he was on his way to visit her, and Mary was flattered that he would travel 800 miles just to see her.  She told him we were in the process of moving and gave him the new address.  He got there in record time.  They were still unloading the rented moving van but he was “too tired” to help.  After returning the van, Di was told that he would be staying in their guest room because he said he didn’t have enough money for a motel room.  Di didn’t have enough money for a motel room for him either.  Exhausted, Di excused herself and went to bed, closing her door tightly but not locking it.  That night Di had a very strange and eerily vivid dream. In it, Di noticed a man’s shadow crossing in front of the window in the moonlight and next that he was kissing her neck….  Di actually thought, "This seems so real. Now, a year after my husband and I split up, I’m going to dream about sex?!"  In the morning Di noticed that her pajamas were inside out—“Wow, I must have been really tired!”—and the bedding was askew— “It looks like I tossed and turned all night, but I felt like I’d slept like a log.”  At breakfast Di caught Phil looking at her oddly, and wondered why.  The three of them went for a ride together and visited a zoo.  Her daughter was obviously annoyed with him and yet he was talking about buying a house there.  The two of them went to a concert and had a fight afterwards, and she told him to leave.  After straightening up the spare room, Mary showed Di a couple of cross-top pills he’d dropped; he did use drugs.  Mary told Di that he’d ruined the concert, acting like all jealous and grumpy, and that he’d told her he’d come up there to marry her, even if he had to get her pregnant to do it.  Mary rejected him and his advances and, that first night, he’d threatened her with, “Fine. I’ll go sleep with your mother.”  Mary had responded with, “Like hell you will!”  At the concert he’d made fun of Di's  granny underwear.  Mary wondered how he would know that Di wore unsexy underwear since it was winter and Di had been wearing bulky sweaters and wool pants/skirts.  Then it struck Di that maybe it hadn’t been a vivid real-feeling dream at all, maybe he actually had climbed into bed with her.  It would explain so much.  It was then that Di quit denying it.  For weeks Di used home pregnancy tests just to make sure that she wasn’t pregnant. 

This was not reported to the police for two reasons: Phil lived in a different state, and Di felt extremely stupid and doubted that anyone would believe it, just like no one believed Debbie.

The truth about rape is...it is not the woman's fault.

A woman does not "ask for it" by how she acts or dresses. Old or young, fat or thin, conservative or risque, they all are at risk. No one is too young or old, too fat or thin, too plain or ugly, too popular or obscure, to become a victim of rape.

 

The fault lies with the rapist.  Men have many reasons for committing rapes:  Hate, rejection, desperation, lust, power, random opportunity for him, and/or frustration (especially for those addicted to pornography), are some of them.

An unhappy childhood should not excuse a rapist’s behavior. People in perfect families can become terrible people, and children from very dysfunctional families can become honorable, successful people. They make their own choices and should be held accountable for those choices, without excuses.  Likewise their victims are unable to say that they had a troubled childhood so the rape didn’t really happen, like it could be erased and become nonexistent.  But that is what they are often treated like when the rapist gets off on some lame excuse or a technicality, as if their rape was nonexistent. A rapist should be given the same options he gave his victim, virtually no choices!

There still is a strong belief that the way a girl or woman dresses causes the rape.  Many girls think that they have to attract the males with their body and then expect the males to want them for their personality. There are naïve girls who dress provocatively and act flirtatiously and get themselves into difficult situations for which they are not prepared or mature enough to handle. We say they were “asking for trouble.” Still, that is an “opportunity” which can, and should, be ignored or avoided by a man with class and self-discipline; no one forces the rapist to rape. 

Perhaps males with “too much testosterone” should be made to feel comfortable consulting a physician regarding treatment for the hormone imbalance. Perhaps there needs to be more research and therapy for persons suffering from hormonal imbalances.

RIDE HOME (1992) 

My 15-year-old niece, Corinne, was stranded at a party she wasn’t supposed to attend.  A young man offered her a ride home.  But he didn’t take her home.  He took her way out into the wilderness of the logging zone and gave her a choice:  She could give him sex and get a ride home, or he would let her out and she could walk home…if she could find her way on a moonless night and could walk that far.  She chose the ride home, not to be left there to die, lost in the maze of old logging roads.  When my son found out, he was very angry and wanted to find the man and rectally rape him with a hose with barbed wire in it, removing the hose and leaving the wire for him to deal with.  Castration was the second choice.  Fortunately for the rapist, he was never found.  (I learned of it later.)

The rape was not reported to authorities, nor to her parents.

INCEST (1966/1967)

A friend, Martha, confided that in high school she’d become pregnant and her mother had taken her to Mexico for an abortion.  She confided to me of the guilt she bore from aborting the baby, and how she has grieved over it, especially after her son was born; the emotional scars were greater than the physical pain and accompanying despair. Later, after she’d married my relative I learned through him that it was incest; her father and her brother molested her throughout her childhood.  Martha has had so many psychological problems that it is difficult to know what is true and correct.  I know that her brother was into wife-swapping in the 1970s (we declined the invitation to join them) and is still married to his wife.  I know that Martha blamed herself for her father’s alcoholism.  Other than that I am uncertain.  Regardless, incest can be a violent or nonviolent rape which is not the woman’s fault. 

She never reported the incest to the police.

INCEST, SORT-OF (1960s)

When Lina was in puberty, there were a few times that her stepfather had bumped into her and rubbed her breasts, after one time that she fell asleep on his lap while watching TV.  She woke up to his fondling her crotch and was so uneasy and uncertain what to do, that she pretended to be asleep and moved away from him. It was never more than that. She told her mother a few years later.  Her mother filed for divorce, but then later reconciled. There were five sisters altogether; one is biologically his. Later Lina was told that he had molested her younger sister, but he had left everyone else alone. She said she didn’t know what to believe because the two sisters, that same younger one and the oldest one, are perpetual storytellers, fabricating a life that is less dull than reality.  He and her mother were married 38 years when she passed away.  He had saved her life three times before, but that fourth time even the paramedics couldn’t save her (it was an asthma attack).

            No molestation report was made to authorities.

SMALL CHILDREN

On way home from school (1957)

My friend Shelly told me that in third grade when, on her from school one day, she stopped to tie her shoe and a man grabbed her from behind and carried her into a house where he tied her to a bed. He then raped her, but the pain was so severe that she passed out.  When she woke up, she was lying in the street where she’d stooped to tie her shoe.  The pain and bleeding were severe but she was afraid to tell her mother.  She thought she must have done something wrong and her parents would blame her for stopping to tie her shoe.  Bottom line: she was afraid to say anything. 

This rape went unreported.

Intruder abduction (1971)

I don’t know these people – This was reported on the news when I was pregnant with my first child.  There was a one-and-a-half-year-old girl who was taken from her crib and out through the open bedroom window and raped outside.  The parents heard her crying and finally found her alone, crying, and bleeding in the backyard.

As far as I know, this rapist was never found.

Day Care (1991)

My daughter had a close friend who found out her three-year-old daughter had been given marijuana and beer and had been molested by the husband of the owner of the Day Care where she left her child each day. 

This perpetrator was prosecuted.

DELIVERY-MAN PLOY (1998)

Maria spent the summers with her mother and the school year with her father.  Maria’s mother lived about three houses away from me.  It was Maria’s 13^th birthday, so when a strange man carrying a box rang the doorbell she assumed he was delivering a birthday present from her father.  When she opened the door, he pushed his way inside and raped her. 

She called the police, but as far as I know, the man was never apprehended.

GANG RAPE  (1983)

Amber was eleven and still boyish looking, a late bloomer.  One day her teacher asked to speak to her after class, making her miss her school bus.  She called home for a ride.  Her mother told her that she had company that was about to leave and with the seven-mile drive so she should be there in about 15 minutes.  When she got there, she honked and waited. Amber was nowhere to be seen.  Finally Amber walked into view looking somber and pretty windblown on a non-windy day.  Her mother asked Amber if she was okay and she said, “Yeah.”  It was eight years later that Amber told her mother what had happened.  While waiting for her mother, Ambre had sat on a bench near the football field where four clean-cut high-school boys were throwing a football around.  She watched them for 5-10 minutes, then one boy looked at another and nodded in her direction, but she couldn’t hear what was said.  Then they all walked over to her and started talking to her.  Once close enough, they grabbed her and pulled her into the bushes and raped her until some other long-haired high-school boys came along and told them to stop it. Amber's mother then understood the personality changes and odd comments from time to time that occurred afterwards.  She had thought Amber was safe, but she wasn’t.  Why didn’t she see the signs?  Probably because Amber had made sure she didn’t know.  Amber didn’t want anyone to know, especially her father.  Because Amber felt that God was unhappy with her and was punishing her, she remained silent.  That is also why she has always preferred long-haired men.

This rape wasn’t reported and the boys were not prosecuted.

The truth about rape is...it is usually not reported to authorities, and the perpetrator goes unpunished.

Of those I have encountered, most women who have been raped never reported it to the police, usually waiting weeks or even years before telling someone else what happened to them.  A few went for a medical checkup after a few weeks to be examined and/or tested for STDs.  One started to report it, but when the police explained the process for the legal prosecution and could not provide security or anonymity, the incident was not officially reported.

INTOXICATION  (1987)

Invited to attend a one-day presidential campaign tour on a chartered bus, Elizabeth (Beth) went along.  The group was mostly adults and some college students (about 19 years old).  At 16 she was the youngest, but she looked much older.  On the way back, someone had the bus stop so they could buy some refreshments.  They came back with plastic cups, vodka, and orange juice.  She’d never been around drinkers before, coming from a non-drinking family, and when handed a cup of orange juice she assumed they wouldn’t give alcohol to a minor, plus she was thirsty and being the youngest person she was trying to fit in and didn’t want to look stupid by asking.  When she realized it was a “screwdriver” not plain orange juice, she thought the damage was done and she said she didn’t want to cause a scene and look foolish.  She drank three or four and was so plastered she couldn’t get off the bus, leaving her purse and camera behind, never to be seen again.  The college guy who’d arranged for her to attend called her parents.  He said Beth was drunk, how it happened, and where to pick her up.  When her mom got there, they were sitting on his family’s front lawn, two guys and Beth.  Beth was a zombie, totally zoned out, and her blouse was askew, buttons not into the right buttonholes. Both guys, whom she knew from the local college and government offices, were vague but did admit that they waited a couple of hours before calling, being afraid to face her and hoping Beth would become alert.  Beth remembered nothing.  The guys thereafter would pretend they didn’t see Beth’s mom, avoiding her.  She wondered what had happened during those couple of hours, considering Beth’s blouse was buttoned wrong and her hair was a mess.  It is unknown how “familiar” they had gotten with her or how crazy she had acted.  Not being certain and meeting with resistance/refusal from Beth, no medical exam took place and no charges were filed, although phone calls were made regarding the drinking on the bus and giving alcohol to a minor – looking back, she knows she should have pressed charges regarding that. 

There was no police involvement.

DATE RAPE (1963ish)

A friend Bobbi told me that when she was in high school, the football quarterback took her out.  She was a gorgeous, buxom blonde and he wanted her.  He did not take “No” for an answer.  After being raped and dropped off to walk home, she felt horrible about herself and too embarrassed to tell anyone, because back then if a woman was attractive or flirtatious she invited the rape…the old men-will-be-men excuse.  The blame was entirely on the female.  She told no one. 

The rape was not reported to authorities

DATE RAPE (1966)

My close high-school friend, Sam, got married early in her senior year because she was pregnant.  She later told me that she and Roger had gone to the drive-in movie theater and she got really tired and kept dozing off.  She remembered necking, and she remembered waking up a bit, startled to discover things had progressed further.  She felt it was her fault.  As an adult, I now think it was wrong of him to have his way with her after she fell asleep.

Nothing was reported to anyone.

The truth about rape is...overcoming the consequences of the violation is difficult, and varied as to how one deals with it. 

Every rape is different, as different as the people and the circumstances.  Some victims avoid sex (consciously or subconsciously), some have difficulty with sex (which strains marriages), some may become lesbians (women who have been abused by men sometimes reject the males of the species), some become promiscuous sex-maniacs, and some try to carry on as though nothing has changed.  If pregnancy results, some keep the baby, some put the baby up for adoption (open or closed), and some abort the baby.  Depression is a natural byproduct after you or a loved one has been raped, more so if pregnancy is involved; a woman has choices as to how to cope with the depression, such as joining a support group, taking an over-the-counter mood-elevator herb such as St. John’s Wort, or going to a doctor and receiving a prescription for an anti-depressant or mood-elevator. It would be nice to say that when “this” happens “such-and-such” should be done, but each woman is unique, as are her situation and the choice that is right for her.

DATE RAPE (1967)

Shelly was 17 and an only child. One summer day, after she graduated from high school, her parents left her home alone for a week.  The youth activity that week was a swimming party near her house.  One boy from church dropped by her house with a bottle of booze and they “partied” alone.  She got smashed, and pregnant.  Although she later miscarried the tubal pregnancy and had severe complications, her parents never knew.  For the medical care, the boy had let her use his name and social security number, and she bought a wedding band to wear.  Unfortunately she was engaged to someone else at the time, whom she later married.

No police report was ever filed.

DATE RAPE (2004?)

My close friend Joy, 60, had a former boyfriend come to her door.  Once inside he tried to get affectionate with her.  She resisted so he escalated his moves to force.  She screamed for help, but no one sent help. (Her calls were probably not heard.) She was no match against his large physique. He raped her and then he left.  She was humiliated and angry.

            No charges were filed.

The truth about rape is...it changes a woman's life forever, like any other traumatic life experience—but, it is possible to overcome being the victim and lead a normal life.

It is a choice to remain a victim or to move on and put it behind you, but the experience is a permanent fact of life, or death (the rapist terminates her life).  Fear is a natural but crippling effect during, but also afterwards: Fear of death, fear of retaliation from the rapist, fear of being treated like a tramp by the legal system, fear to be alone anywhere, fear of all men, fear of what people will say or how they will label her and then treat her.

One person I know has had to go over the details several times for District Attorneys who wanted to file for child support because she received Medicaid and sometimes food-stamp benefits for the child.  Understandably, the District Attorneys want to get a child support orders in place for the fathers whenever possible.  This makes it more difficult to put it behind you.  Likewise, when a baby results, whether kept or adopted out, the reason for the absent father or the reason for the adoption is difficult to articulate.  People, especially other children, will ask where the baby’s father is.  Adults automatically assume that the woman was promiscuous.  It is best to have already formulated an answer you can live with and stick to it.  Others don’t need to know, and if you are uncomfortable with white lies, then there are two alternatives:

       1.  Be vague and change the subject, or

       2.  Act like you didn’t hear the question, just ignore the question and don’t answer. (I am amazed by how many times people pretend not to hear uncomfortable questions.  It works.)

If someone presses further, say it is very personal and you’d rather not discuss it (and stay firm on that). 

“MDMA (Ecstasy), GHB, Rohypnol, ketamine, methamphetamine, and LSD are some of the club or party drugs gaining popularity.”  National Institute on Drug Abuse

DATE-RAPE DRUGS (1995)

There are drugs used to make women black out or pass out which make the women defenseless.  And, there are other drugs and alcohol used to make women vulnerable or more receptive to advances or sexually aggressive, depending on the personality and the reaction to the chemical induced.   Many times men have tried to sneak drugs into Carrie’s drinks at the karaoke clubs where her husband worked, but people had seen it and warned her – but one time it was slipped into her husband’s drink by mistake and he passed out, which everyone there thought was hilarious. Now she never leaves a drink unattended or close to someone else. 

When Carrie was single, a few years earlier, two of her brother’s friends who had crushes on her, and had been rejected by her numerous times, each independently took advantage of her unconsciousness, a month apart. Carrie fell victim of non-violent “date rape”.  She said that both times she’d been drinking a little beer and had taken a hit of pot, and the friend may have slipped a knock-out drug into her drink, and when she was passed out he raped her. The second time, she became pregnant.  A firm Pro-Lifer, she did an open adoption where she picked the parents, a doctor for the father.  She understandably fell into a significant post-partum depression, but she recognized that it was better than the alternatives.  She hid the pregnancy from the rest of the family and her friends, with even her father hugging her four days before she gave birth and just thinking she’d gained a little weight!
            No police charges were filed, but the adoption agency and state social services were fully aware of the circumstances and the biological father had to sign away all parental rights.

PARTY (1989-1990?)

Lilly and her friend Kristie had both been raped before, Kristie several times.  Both felt guilty, that it must be their fault that it happened to them. Each dealt with it differently, but with the support of each other they helped each other through it.  I’ve learned that it is common to either avoid sex or pursue sex after having been raped, usually one extreme or the other. Lilly told potential daters up-front that if they were after sex she was the wrong girl.  Kristie, on the other hand, had the opposite reaction.  Her feelings of self-worth were gone and she chased guys, with sex hopefully filling her need for attention and acceptance.  Then one day Kristie decided that the rapes were not her fault, however unfair, and she wanted to give up sex until she got married some day.  Some call that a born-again virgin. One night they went to a small party together at a friend’s house.  It was noisy with conversation, clowning around, and loud music.  One guy forced Kristie into the farthest back bedroom where he assaulted her.  Her screams for help went unheard.  When she came out of the bedroom looking windblown and crying, she told Lilly that she wanted to leave, and eventually confided what had happened.  One day Kristie called and told Lilly that she had pressed charges against her rapist and needed Lilly to testify for her, which she did.  Kristie was a strong young lady and rose above the trauma and victimization and took charge of her life.  She became very active in  her church, then married a good man and is raising a family. 

This rapist went to jail!

The truth about rape is...statistics are a guestimate.

Because so few rapes are reported to police or discovered via autopsy, they make an educated guess as to how many go unreported.  The sources for this guess would be, perhaps, from medical institution reports (health department, hospitals & clinics, doctors), rape support groups (anonymous statistics), and gut feelings.  It seems to me that if my family’s personal knowledge of rapes that have gone unreported is typical, that only a small percentage of perhaps 5-10% are reported.  This unfortunately means a lot of men get away with it.

RAPE BY A FAMILY “FRIEND” (1974-1978)

My friend, Suzie, was frequently being raped by her husband’s best friend, whenever he could catcher her “alone” –she had very small children who were usually at home.  Her husband would not believe that his buddy would do such a thing.  She and her husband did divorce, due to his infidelity.  But she also said that his believing his friend over her, and not protecting her from him, factored in to the divorce decision.

The rapes were never reported to the police.

RAPE BY THE HUSBAND (1990)

Living in a first floor apartment, we could unfortunately hear the activities of the apartment above.  There was a family of four, the children were toddlers.  A few times we heard the wife screaming and calling for help, it was obvious that he was raping her, and the children were watching and crying. 

Each time I called the police and they came right out.  It was stopped by the interruption, but he was never arrested or prosecuted.

The truth about rape is...someone who has not been raped cannot relate or comprehend its effects on the woman.

It is not possible to truly understand what it is like to be raped without being raped.  The fear and the frustration cannot be understood secondhand.  Someone who has experienced the fear, frustration, and humiliation can truly empathize because they have been there and felt it firsthand.   People say, “Report it to the police and get the scumbag off the streets.”  An excellent idea, but realistically, the women who are raped do not want to relive it and have people accuse them of lying or doing something that made it happen; they feel guilty enough. Some are angry enough and mature enough that they do go forward quickly for the medical exam and resist the desire to get cleaned up because they feel so dirty and violated, and they are brave enough to face the strangers they have to speak with.  But many, especially the young, would only tell a close, non-threatening family member or friend.

ABDUCTION  (1991)

Michelle, 19, came and went as she pleased.  As roommates she and Meg shared normal courtesies such as their schedules.  On April 15 at 4:30pm, Meg arrived home from work and found a note from Michelle that she’d gone to see Stephanie, a coworker, and would be home at 5:00pm.  At 9:00pm Meg went to bed.  It wasn’t the first time she’d been late.  At 1:00am Meg got a phone call from a policeman friend.  Michelle’s car was parked in front of a missing girl’s home and the door was open with the keys in the ignition, and did she know where Michelle was?  Meg read her note to him.  He promised to let her know if he located Michelle and asked her to let him know if I heard from Michelle or she came home.  At this point Meg became extremely worried.  In the morning Meg reluctantly left for work after leaving Michelle a note to please call her at once.  At 9:30am Michelle called Meg at work.  She explained that when she pulled up in front of Stephanie’s, the girl next door, Fawn, came running over to say hello.  She got out of the car and spoke with Fawn a bit, when a brand-new IROQ-Z, complete with tinted windows, pulled up and asked if Stephanie was at home.  Michelle knew Stephanie to be a very cautious woman as to with whom she associated.  Michelle felt secure that she was safe with friends of Stephanie.  Michelle had a fondness for Camaros, and they offered to give the girls a quick ride.  They consented to a quick trip around the block.  Once in the car, they were prisoners.  The driver was very tall and spoke fluently in Cherokee to his short companion who struggled with the language.  Fawn was half Cherokee and soon spoke to them in Cherokee.  They then switched to Spanish, with which the short one was fluent and the driver was struggling.  The girls tried kicking out the windows, insulting them in Spanish (all they knew), and clawing at them from behind. After dark, having been driving around for hours, they pulled over and the driver took Michelle out of the car.  The driver then, wearing a ski-mask hat concealing his face, proceeded to rape her at knife point; she had no doubt that he intended to kill her and she wasn’t going to let it be pleasant for him – she verbally insulted him continually.

THE ESCAPE:

Michelle heard breaking glass and yelling, which distracted her rapist who had removed the knife from her throat to zip his pants, at which opportunity she kicked him hard in the groin twice and ran for her life.  After a block or so, she caught a glimpse of Fawn running ahead of her so she went in the same direction.  Eventually she happened upon a couple who were in their front yard, having just been dropped off by a cab at home.  She asked if she could use their phone to call a cab.  The cab company told her that if she were to get to the cab company’s office they could have someone drive her eventually, but they couldn’t pick her up because it was after hours.  The couple’s car had just been borrowed but would be returned in a few hours.  So they waited, and when it was returned they drove Michelle to her car and then she drove home.  Meg called the police department to relay a message to the policeman who’d called her, and as she left the message she used the term “kidnapped” instead of “abducted” and the dispatcher told her Michelle was too old to be kidnapped and she was wasting her time!  And the dispatcher terminated the call!  Meg was very angry.  That evening Michelle told her she’d heard from both Claudia and Fawn. Claudia, a 15-year-old former neighbor, somehow knew what had happened.  Fawn had gone to her father’s house, and Claudia had called her there as well.  Fawn was angry that Michelle had told Claudia what had happened, but she hadn’t. It was then that Michelle realized that Claudia had set the whole thing up.   Just before she had left for Stephanie’s, Claudia had called her for a ride.  Michelle had already told Claudia, who had previously stolen her car and had wrecked it, that she wanted nothing more to do with her. That time she had told Claudia that she couldn’t give her a ride anywhere because she was on her way out the door to an appointment and then to Stephanie’s.  Claudia knew Fawn, so knew who Stephanie was and where she lived, and she knew that Michelle had a thing for Camaros.  So the drivers did not know Stephanie afterall, they were sent by Claudia to get Michelle.  And she had also recognized the knife on the dashboard (and at her neck) as similar, if not the same one, to Claudia’s brother’s knife.  (And later Michelle realized that death may have been part of the deal, when she found out that Claudia was involved in a death of a woman a group of youths had wrongly thought had drugs, for which she’d been killed.  In that county, juveniles were not punished, for murder, car theft, robbery, or anything else.  Claudia and the others got away scot-free.) 

The consequences:

As a rape survivor, Michelle had boldly sworn she’d never get married or have children.  Shortly, Michelle realized she was pregnant.  Meg told her that she would adopt the baby, perhaps to be her only grandchild.  Michelle figured that if she were to endure a pregnancy and delivery, she may as well raise the child, for Neg would have adopted the baby anyway. Her obstetrician was a very compassionate man from their church.  He completely believed her and told Meg of physical evidence that she was telling the truth.  He also took necessary precautions during the pregnancy because of it.  She had a beautiful girl, who had black hair and eyes, and Mongolian spots.  The hospital nurses said she bore characteristics of American Indians (Native Americans).  The hospital ran numerous tests of the baby to determine her health and potential risks due to the circumstances; her little heels were bruised pincushions from blood tests and for a couple of weeks she would pull away from anyone touching her feet.  Unfortunately, Meg's sisters’ reactions were that she was a fool to believe Michelle, that Michelle had just created an elaborate story to cover up her promiscuity, for which she’d been caught by becoming pregnant, and told Meg that Michelle should have had an abortion.  Needless to say this has put a barrier between the sisters ever since. Michelle and Meg, both, needed their support, not their derision. Meg went to the police to file charges against the rapist and Claudia.  Michelle was worried by the highly publicized rape cases with the rape victim was being victimized by the media and defense attorneys as filing false charges against her attacker. The police could not guarantee her privacy or security.  Michelle refused to prosecute, especially since recently on the news a rapist’s parents had been granted grandparent rights and the rapist was given parental rights.  Michelle also did not want to relive it for prosecution or anything else.

The rape report was not filed, and the rapist was not prosecuted.

 [NOTE:  Within a year they formed a friendship with an honorable family at church who turned out to be non-mafia-by-choice offspring of mafia families.  One day Michelle went to pick up the friend and he introduced her to his visiting grandfather.  This mafia grandfather had heard the story of what had happened to her and asked her to tell him everything she knew about the attacker.  She knew his approximate height, weight and ethnicity, his car description, and the small town he’d mentioned he was from before he realized that Fawn understood Cherokee.  The grandfather told her not to worry, for it would be taken care of. His grandson later told her that in the mafia family, that crime was unforgivable and punishable by death.  It is assumed that he’s dead.]

The truth about rape is...support groups (organized or informal) really do help. It helps to talk it though and know others have been there, too.

There are several things a woman can do to overcome fear and regain her self-esteem after being raped.  Hopefully she will choose to report the incident to authorities and prosecute the sex offender.  The reasons for doing so may be anger, hatred, justice, vengeance, retaliation, or concern for the safety and well-being of others – or not doing so, due to fear and/or embarrassment. If easily accessible and available in one’s area, a rape hotline would give a victim that immediate support, advice, and direction needed and also provide the information for a local rape support group.  Michelle tried to find the rape hotline number, but couldn’t; she found support by talking to other rape victims she encountered, one of which was a nurse who was particularly helpful in opening her up by letting her know how she had dealt with it herself.  It is easier to work through it when “re-living” it on your own terms with people who truly know what it is like and can share their own experiences, advice, or lessons learned.  Any traumatic experience is best worked out with the compassion of friends.  If the friend is family, all the better, because then it is coupled with unconditional family love.

The truth about rape is...we are the survivors.

We are the lucky ones.  We can put this behind us and go forward to make the best of our lives.  We have a future.

CHIMERA DNA

Testing for chimera DNA for rapists and certain child molesters would be beneficial. Chimera is believed to be caused by a person’s twin embryo assimilating into one being, which can create problems with fraternal twins of different sexes sometimes born as hermaphrodites. 

Some people are of the opinion that a two-sex DNA may contribute to the tendency, or be the cause of the “I-was-born-this-way” homosexuality. Obviously, dual DNA would not contribute to or foster curiosity or social “coolness” of homosexual activities, although there is a possibility that there could be a link to the child molesters who target their own sex; DNA testing homosexual child molesters may determine if this is the case. [On the island of Bora Bora, I was told that Tahitian mothers thought the reason they have so many males dressing like females is because the mothers ate chicken while pregnant, that a male’s system was modified or unbalanced by the pregnant or breastfeeding mother eating estrogen-fed poultry, thus passing on the excessive hormones to the developing baby.]

The hermaphrodite I knew had not had corrective surgery nor had he been given hormone therapy.  His male organs were sterile, but his female organs were fertile, and he experimented with being each sex, ultimately choosing the characteristically more dominant male.

On CourtTV there were shows such as “Forensic Files” and “Body of Evidence” where they track down serial rapists.  Rarely are the victims survivors.  They are the unfortunate ones who lost their lives.  There have various theories as to how to survive a violent attack, rape, or hostage situation: Cooperate, avoid eye contact, make personal conversation, etc.  Sometimes this works, but more often it doesn’t.  Some fight valiantly and lose. Of course, the best way is prevention. 

BEWARE OF STALKERS – Potential Rapists

1996

At the nearby convenience store, Traci met Joe who already knew a lot about her.  Joe said he had seen her picture in her friend Bill’s wallet at a friend’s house and asked about her.  Joe came by to see her a few times.  He was good looking, clean cut, and divorced.  One day she took Bill over to Joe’s house, actually his mother’s house, and although Bill liked Joe, Bill had never seen him before. Perhaps, Joe had seen Traci and Bill go to the convenience store together and overheard their names.  Unwise as it was, she continued to date him anyway.  Then on Valentine’s day, unable to reach Joe by phone, Traci went by his mother’s house, just two blocks away, and dropped off a small gift for him.  Joe was gone and no one knew where or for how long.  Traci had paged him several times and finally a man called and said he’d bought the pager from a man and his wife when they were camping.  She checked with his mother and found out that Joe and his wife had been separated but not divorced, and his wife wanted a reconciliation because her lover had dumped her.  Joe tried calling her several weeks later but Traci refused his calls.  He still left flowers on her windshield and drove by the house.  Over a year later, after Traci married, he left dead flowers and a note on her car. Her husband tore up the note and refused to tell her what it said.  After that, he answered all phone calls.

            No charges were filed.

1990

A friend, Gail, was having problems with her violent ex-husband, and he was stalking her.  Then, one day he came to her apartment and banged obnoxiously on the door.  She called the police.  The dispatcher informed her that no one was available, even though she could hear the banging on the door.  Gail could clearly see three police cars at the restaurant across the street, and told her so.  But, they couldn’t interrupt a dinner break for her.  It took them nearly half an hour to respond.  Gail could have been dead by then!  It was a “near miss”.  Fortunately for her something spooked him off, perhaps a neighbor looking to see what the raucous was all about.

            The police were unwilling to respond to and to report the incident. She was unable to prosecute.

2005

My friend May had dated a man a couple of times, but there just wasn’t anything there for her.  She refused further date invitations, and he then switched from pleasant to angry.  He was stalking her, watching her every move, and letting her know it.  He was a retired private detective and carried a gun.  One night he left a threatening message on her answering machine, calling her vulgar names, and telling her she didn’t deserve to live and she wouldn’t get away with it.  The next night he came to her door brandishing the gun.  She did not open the door.  She ran out the back door and went to a neighbor’s and called the police.  A neighbor saw him and also called the police to report that a man was outside waving a gun.  Then he went around the back and went inside her house.  The police arrived and went looking for him, finding him a few blocks away.  He had taken off his shirt and gotten rid of it and the gun.  One neighbor, who was a deputy sheriff, told her they’d warned him to leave her alone and stay out of the neighborhood.  No report was filed; he was, after all, a detective and knew the ins and outs.  May, a confident and secure woman, was gripped with fear.  She packed up some things and stayed at different motels for awhile, and then her grown children came to live with her while she found a new place to live, then she moved far away as secretively as possible.  It has changed her life forever.  As a result, she won’t let people know where she lives and is afraid to answer the door, and once she screamed when a man walked in the direction of her car as she was getting into it.

The police let him go; he was not held accountable for it.

WARNING TO RAPISTS: You are more likely to be caught if you kill your victim; eye-witness identification cannot be considered foolproof, as too many have been wrong when another person’s DNA matched.

WARNING TO FORENSIC INVESTIGATORS:  DNA may positively identify a perpetrator, but it does not positively rule out one, as there is a possibility of Chimera DNA where an individual has two sets of DNA.  Chimera is believed to be caused by a person’s fraternal twin embryo assimilating into one being, and the location of the second DNA may not be easy to find. Hair may have strands of each, or hair, saliva and blood may have one kind and an internal organ biopsy has another.  If you think you have the right man but the DNA test ruled him out, more extensive DNA testing may be warranted to prove it as he may be a Chimera.

Protect yourself.  
December 1998: One afternoon Renee left the bank after getting her paycheck cashed.  It was hot and she’d left her van’s driver window down. There were security guards patrolling the parking lot. Before getting in, she made sure the vehicle was empty.  Then as she drove out of the parking lot, the sliding door, which was always kept locked, slid open.  She pulled over to close it, and noticed a car right behind her also pulled over.  She quickly got back in the driver’s seat, when suddenly there was a man at the door with a gun to her head.  She slammed the accelerator down and sped away.  Reviewing the situation with the police, it was concluded that it was probably an attempted robbery, rather than a carjacking or rape attempt, and the men in the car had probably entered her car while she was in the bank and set the door ajar so it would open and she would have to stop, away from the bank's security guards.  She is not certain whether or not robbery was the plan. The evening news carried a warning about it. 

Walk confidently, scanning your surroundings and looking people in the eye, in other words, don’t look like a good victim.  It is like the jungles of Africa, where the big cats prey on and attack the weakest and easiest to access of a herd.  If at all possible, do not give anyone the opportunity to get you.  The obvious precautions of locked doors and windows, alarm systems, and cellular phones, can only do so much.  The best advise I have is stay alert and be prepared.  One form of preparation is to preview a scenario in your mind and decide what your immediate reaction should be.  Then if needed you will think quickly and make a better choice.  For example, I decided I would rather die resisting abduction than die after being tortured and/or raped.  I will fight.  If someone got into my car, I would throw the keys out the window or door and blare the horn, for example.  Impede, not assist.

·    

Keep in mind that violent criminals are very much like the childhood bullies.  They act tough, but are really insecure cowards.  The criminals are willing to take a life to keep from being caught.  They kill but don’t want to be killed; they will beg for leniency, rather than accept the death penalty as an equal punishment to the crime committed.  They view their own life as more valuable than the life of their victim.  Although pain and torture have been inflicted either for control or pleasure, they think it is unfair to inflict inconveniences upon themselves. 

Don't be a victim. 

• ·     Protect yourself.  Carry pepper spray, if possible.  If you are attacked, know what to do.  Take a deep breath and take charge; don’t let fear or shame overpower you.

 

• ·     Call a rape hotline or the police.  Do not bathe or shower until after a rape-victim examination has been made so that you do not wash away forensic evidence, such as hairs, skin cells, sperm, or other DNA sources. 

• ·     Don’t remain a victim; turn the table, go after him!  Make a report with the police.  If he’s caught, prosecute, testify, do whatever it takes. Turning the other cheek puts others at risk.

Hopefully, it will never happen to you or a loved one, but if it does, remember you are not alone. Other rape survivors will be there for you.